1. Snow

Because everyone is snowed in, economists are predicting a baby boom in England. Apparently due to power-failures people are having to "snog-up" to keep warm. How romantic?

"Daddy, where do babies come from?"

"Well sweety occasionally it will snow so bad that we can't leave the house. On top of that occasionally there will be a random power outage. When that happens a woman and man will choke down their utter revulsion of each other and decide that creating kinetic energy with hip-thrusts is preferable to not letting their blood turn to ice or, in your mother's case, even thicker ice."






















2. Cancer

"Researchers at the German Cancer Research Centre in Heidelberg have discovered that beer contains a powerful molecule that helps protect against breast and prostate cancers."

GOD BLESS THE GERMANS!!! Not just for finding a new potential cure for cancer, but one that directly affects cancer of the erotic zones. I was just trying to think of a simile to this, a simplified method of trying to explain how cool this is with a more basic example but...THIS IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT DRINKING BEER CURES PROSTATE AND BREAST CANCER! How do I make it any better?





















3.Hollywood

Cory Worthington has landed himself a role in a Hollywood film. Yep THAT Cory Worthington...the one you know as the guy who...wait who the Jesus-casserole is Cory Worthington?

Apparently he's some kid who threw a party in Australia in 2008, and invited people through craigslist. The party drew 500 people and the cops....and the fact that I told you that should exclude Cory Worthington from the list of people who are famous enough to be in a movie simply because they are famous! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

But supposedly the movie also stars Scott Baio so I guess they needed some added star-power. A real "name". Like Cory Worthington.
















4. Florida

" A convicted sex offender known for posting strange videos online is heading back to prison. Edward Muscare, 77, posted bizarre videos to the website YouTube."

Now normally I wouldn't be defending a sex-offender. The karmic stink of sexual assault can't be just washed off with time served as far as I'm concerned...however...well...just watch this:

Creepy yes, but offensive? Hardly.

Part of what makes the internet great is it's ability to give us a view into the daily lives of regular people. Wait. I take that back. That's what sucks about the internet, regular people are boring. The great thing about the internet is that it's a free ticket to a god damned FREAK SHOW.

Not to mention the fact that REALLY does this guy need to be locked up to protect us from him? Look at him! He's like Abe Vigoda as Frankenstein's Monster! He's like a walking Amber Alert! Hellen Keller would run from this freak! We're fine with him on the outside.


















5. Wyclef Jean

The Haiti earthquake has already triggered hundreds of thousands of donations to musician Wyclef Jean's charitable foundation, which expects to raise upwards of $1 million a day in the disaster's wake. HOWEVER, Internal Revenue Service records show the group has a lackluster history of accounting for its finances, and that the organization has paid the performer and his business partner at least $410,000 for rent, production services, and Jean's appearance at a benefit concert.

How the hell do you set up a charity, and use it to pay YOURSELF for performing. Unless the Wyclef Jean Foundation's mission statement is to do their best to help fading musicians from the 1990s.

More salient point. Given all of the different charities pouring money into Haiti right now why would anyone think: "I'll give it to the washed-up hack who is best known for looking like a member of the black eyed peas."