1. Animal Abuse






A cat in Philadelphia was wrapped in duct-tape and left for dead. That's just cruel, I mean to do something like that to a cat AND leave it in Philadelphia (buh dooomsk!)? Certainly not the cruelest thing ever done to a cat in Philly though:


2. Hookers








A guy in Arizona went on craigslist looking for love, specifically the kind of love that can only be delivered for 45 dollars an hour by a woman named Lavender in a hotel with the same name. He went to the hotel where the young lady of the night was staying and while he and the 17 year old were haggling (literally over the price) her accomplice burst out of the bathroom and robbed him. Probably not what he wanted to happen, but it could be worse he could have woken up today with a bad case of the "OH JESUS OW MY PEE!!!!"s

From the comments section on the story: "sizzlechest 6 seconds ago

A sexual encounter he wanted, screwed he got...."

Yes, Yoda must go by the name Sizzlechest now.

3. Endangered Species









An England Naturalist says that it's time to let Giant Pandas go extinct because it's just too damn hard and expensive to keep them alive. So it seems that Giant Panda's are now like the elderly coma patient of our world. We all know it will never happen, if the Dodo's had a CGI flick made about them those suckers would still be alive and feasting on our young.

4. The Economy







The Las Vegas CityCenter had openings for 12,000 jobs. So it seems like it would be easy to be hired there right? NOPE they got 160,000 applications. You wanna get off my back for not having a job yet?

5. Living in Australia
At around 28 seconds everything goes from Tang to Devil's Soul:

1. Coaches
A sad story from Kentucky of a kid who was killed during football practice. His coach ordered him to run sprints on a boiling hot day and he died of heat exhaustion. The coach was tried and acquitted and now wants to know when he can coach again. It's like if OJ's first question after his acquittal was "When is it okay for me to date again?"









2. Rudeness
A new poll shows that Americans are becoming more and more rude. I guess conservatives are right, we are becoming more and more like Europe.



3. Girls

The girls at a school in New Jersey every year make a list of the sluttiest sluts in their sluttin high school, and pass it around 100's of times. Amazing for several reasons; one they actually use paper instead of texts and two THEY ARE PROUD TO BE ON THE LIST! Ladies the reason you win the human race is in you have the power to deny men sex. Embracing the concept of being a slut is like Napoleon abdicating his throne...if it were made out of vaginas.








4. Childbirth
A woman in Toledo had in vitro fertilization. She got pregnant. It's not hers?
Turns out the embryos belonged to another woman. So once Carolyn Savage gives birth she has to give the baby over to its biological parents. I'm sure a HUGE settlement is coming their way, A small price for splitting yourself open, removing a small human, and having to then give it to a complete stranger. On a sidenote anyone who thinks childbirth is beautiful has never seen it from the business end.







5. News Reporters

Most boring news report quickly becomes the most unprofessional. Yes it's kind of funny, but physical comedy is for the proles.

1. Mom's Boyfriend

The phrase "stay together for the kids..." should have the addendum "...so that mom doesn't get so desperate for companionship that she will date any sack of douche that gimps into her field of vision." Like this guy:














Handsome isn't he? I mean that pencil mustache is either the result of WANTING to look like a pedophile, or it's the outline from where he holds his glue-huffing bag.

Anyway he left the kids in the garage, tied to their car-seats while he went to a bar. Because I guess drinking at home, in front of the kids, would be irresponsible.


2: The Economy



Diabetics who get laid off and lose their health insurance are having to resort to cutting back on their medication and/or buying medication on EBAY. Call me naive buy I didn't even know you could buy medical supplies on EBAY.






3. Domestic Violence

In the movies cross-dressers aren't crazy, they are free spirited people who just happen to live eccentric lifestyles. I'm not saying that transvestites are bad people, but I've always had my concerns around them. Mostly I always assumed that fruit-bowling for hours at a time is bound to make someone a bit agitated. Anyway...here's a story about a girl coming home to find her mother murdered on the floor, by her cross-dressing father.
FUGSHOT:









4. POLKA-RAP
Rap is like the potato of the music world. IT GOES GREAT WITH EVERYTHING! I'm just waiting for the East Bavarian West Bavarian drive bys to start.


5. Death
If it's been 20 years since you cried over the death of Jim Henson, get the tissues out: