Hidden within the latest edition of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's FluView was this sentence: "The proportion of deaths attributed to pneumonia and influenza wasbelow the epidemic threshold."
Wow who could have seen that coming...aside from any reasonable person who bothered to google the phrase "Is the swine flew real;y that bad" (thank you google fro installing spellcheking!).
I would also like to dedicate this post to the nut-job conspiracy theorists who think that the swine flu vaccine was designed by FEMA to kill us. Really the only credible way to still make this argument is to say that the government is as inept at carrying out a Holocaust, as they are at everything else.
2. Foreplay
Man Bites Off Cop's Nipple...
At about 9:30 p.m., Fernando Cooper, 31, and an off-duty officer got into a physical confrontation outside Gibson's Bar and Steakhouse, the Sun-Times reports.
Police who witnessed the event say the officer identified himself, but the other man didn't back down and continued to assault the cop. With several punches that caused cuts to the officer's eye, the man also "severely" bit the cop's nipple.
You know, there's rock bottom and then there's "Screw it! I'm not above biting another man's nipples!" rock bottom. And kids let this be a lesson to you, don't fight crazy, and if you're in a fight where you are sure to lose...BE crazy. If a large sweaty bully with fists like hams is cornering you just scream at the top of your lungs "I BITE NIPPLES!!!". It's much easier to repair a damaged reputation with an intact face.
Man Bites Off Cop's Nipple...
At about 9:30 p.m., Fernando Cooper, 31, and an off-duty officer got into a physical confrontation outside Gibson's Bar and Steakhouse, the Sun-Times reports.
Police who witnessed the event say the officer identified himself, but the other man didn't back down and continued to assault the cop. With several punches that caused cuts to the officer's eye, the man also "severely" bit the cop's nipple.
You know, there's rock bottom and then there's "Screw it! I'm not above biting another man's nipples!" rock bottom. And kids let this be a lesson to you, don't fight crazy, and if you're in a fight where you are sure to lose...BE crazy. If a large sweaty bully with fists like hams is cornering you just scream at the top of your lungs "I BITE NIPPLES!!!". It's much easier to repair a damaged reputation with an intact face.
3. Lazy Missionaries
Not the title of a new movie starring Beverly Spankbottoms and Peter Horsedangle, but more of an affliction. It's one thing to try to convert people to your way of life by going to them and building them a church and convincing them that a sky-giant is going to crush them if they don't stop all this damn fire-dancing, it's another when you just send them SOLAR POWERED BIBLES!!!
(I got this at the Flander's yard sale for only 2 cents!)
Not the title of a new movie starring Beverly Spankbottoms and Peter Horsedangle, but more of an affliction. It's one thing to try to convert people to your way of life by going to them and building them a church and convincing them that a sky-giant is going to crush them if they don't stop all this damn fire-dancing, it's another when you just send them SOLAR POWERED BIBLES!!!
(I got this at the Flander's yard sale for only 2 cents!)
The problem with this is that, well, the Haitians have already been converted. 80 percent of them are catholic and 16 percent are protestant. Unless this earthquake directly targeted bibles, I think they're covered...no pun intended.
Though I guess now would probably be the time when people would start to lose their faith in God, so maybe it's a preemptive strike.
4. Marital Strife
More and more couples are having to undergo therapy because:
A: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are arguing over who gets to sleep on the air-mattress that they found in a dumpster behind K-Mart?
B: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are planning on literally eating one another.
C: One of them has decided to "go green" and the other...isn't as gung ho?
The answer?
If you picked C then you are far more optimistic about the future than most of us.
5. Fan-Boys
Though I guess now would probably be the time when people would start to lose their faith in God, so maybe it's a preemptive strike.
4. Marital Strife
More and more couples are having to undergo therapy because:
A: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are arguing over who gets to sleep on the air-mattress that they found in a dumpster behind K-Mart?
B: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are planning on literally eating one another.
C: One of them has decided to "go green" and the other...isn't as gung ho?
The answer?
If you picked C then you are far more optimistic about the future than most of us.
5. Fan-Boys
The problem with fan-boys is that they refuse to let go of the things that they lovingly watched as children, and expect those things to grow up with them. This results in things like this:
Drink it in. Yes that is skeletor lounging naked on a bear skin rug. Personally I draw the line at Simpsons porn (no link) or Ninja Turtles Porn (go to hell).
Then again I have always wondered what Rosie from the Jetsons looked like naked.
UPDATE: Far too many people have informed me that it is not a Bear-Skin rug but a Tiger-Skin rug. The tiger being He-Man's steed...this is what I get for not going to Father McNutley's room for after-school he-man parties.
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