1. George Lucas

Anyone who has proclaimed to me the glittering wonders of the film Avatar needs to shut their mouth and shut it right now. Why? Apparently the film has inspired George Lucas to makeSTAR WARS IN 3D!

"Who knows, maybe it'll be good" yeah and maybe Jar Jar Binks is the new Chewbacca. It's sad to me that George Lucas seems intent on reliving the bygone days when he was king of the nerds, where just the mere hint that he was writing a new screenplay would overload countless bbs servers across America. Those hints are now more like threats to subject us to further nullification of his franchise.

What's sad is that our addiction to seeing Star Wars movies just on the feint HOPE that they'll be good is so strong, and our revulsion to them afterwards so painful that I could see Lucas literally going on live television and demanding that unless we sacrifice our first borns in his name he will unleash Star Wars: The Baby Yoda Saga in 3d and getting complicity from at least half of us. Sorry Henry.

George....YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!

2. Tourism

The devastation in Haiti is one of the worst humanitarian crises in Human History. As the death toll soars ever higher, and the bodies literally pile up in the streets the feeling of helplessness many of us are undergoing is palpable and depressing.

So let's forget our troubles by going on a Carnival Cruise with a stop in...YOU GUESSED IT...HAITI!

What. The. Hell?

Actually the cruise line does make a good argument for their case. After all they do supply a much needed boost to the local economy with their resort, and the people who work there do still have jobs and need to provide for their families. I don't blame them for carrying on honestly. I just feel bad for any of the tourists who aren't heartless enough to enjoy themselves just a mile or so away from mountains of corpses. Maybe they could market this to the Goth/Emo tourists?

3. Men

A conman posed as a beautiful female model in order to trick guys into sending her money.

"Texan Police said Justin Brown, 24, masqueraded as Californian Guess Jeans and Maxim swimwear model Bree Condon, 23, for two years."

He apparently went on a website called SeekingMillionaire.com, I guess because "RichGullibleBastards.com" and "RichFishInABarrel.com" were already on to him and said he/she just wanted to meet "Mr. Right".

Personally a flag would have gone up for me when I saw that she was using pictures from THE MOST POPULAR MEN'S MAGAZINE ON THE MARKET!

MrTrustFUNd: So do you have any more pics of you?

TotallyScammingYou: Sure, here's one from Christmas! Thank God that guy from FHM was there to take pictures of me getting out of the pool...that's a moment I didn't want to lose to forgetfulness.

Also you notice that these kind of scams are always man on man crime. That tells me that either women still have no god damn idea just how retarded we are when it comes to wanting to have sex with them, or they just prefer to exploit us in real life instead of through a computer.

4. The Judicial System

Come on, who hasn't fantasized about doing this? This guy just had the guts in his blood to do it.

A 61-YEAR-OLD US man who slapped a stranger's two-year-old child in a Stone Mountain Wal-Mart was found guilty of child cruelty and sentenced to six months in jail.

It's weird but the fact that the kid isn't his makes it seem almost all right.

5. Global Warming

Or rather lack thereof. They're predicting snow in Southern Arizona. Good luck with that whole cap and trade business Harry Reid.

1. The Swine Flu

Hidden within the latest edition of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's FluView was this sentence: "The proportion of deaths attributed to pneumonia and influenza wasbelow the epidemic threshold."


Wow who could have seen that coming...aside from any reasonable person who bothered to google the phrase "Is the swine flew real;y that bad" (thank you google fro installing spellcheking!).

I would also like to dedicate this post to the nut-job conspiracy theorists who think that the swine flu vaccine was designed by FEMA to kill us. Really the only credible way to still make this argument is to say that the government is as inept at carrying out a Holocaust, as they are at everything else.

2. Foreplay

Man Bites Off Cop's Nipple...

At about 9:30 p.m., Fernando Cooper, 31, and an off-duty officer got into a physical confrontation outside Gibson's Bar and Steakhouse, the Sun-Times reports.
Police who witnessed the event say the officer identified himself, but the other man didn't back down and continued to assault the cop. With several punches that caused cuts to the officer's eye, the man also "severely" bit the cop's nipple.

You know, there's rock bottom and then there's "Screw it! I'm not above biting another man's nipples!" rock bottom. And kids let this be a lesson to you, don't fight crazy, and if you're in a fight where you are sure to lose...BE crazy. If a large sweaty bully with fists like hams is cornering you just scream at the top of your lungs "I BITE NIPPLES!!!". It's much easier to repair a damaged reputation with an intact face.

3. Lazy Missionaries


Not the title of a new movie starring Beverly Spankbottoms and Peter Horsedangle, but more of an affliction. It's one thing to try to convert people to your way of life by going to them and building them a church and convincing them that a sky-giant is going to crush them if they don't stop all this damn fire-dancing, it's another when you just send them SOLAR POWERED BIBLES!!!








(I got this at the Flander's yard sale for only 2 cents!)

The problem with this is that, well, the Haitians have already been converted. 80 percent of them are catholic and 16 percent are protestant. Unless this earthquake directly targeted bibles, I think they're covered...no pun intended.

Though I guess now would probably be the time when people would start to lose their faith in God, so maybe it's a preemptive strike.







4. Marital Strife

More and more couples are having to undergo therapy because:

A: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are arguing over who gets to sleep on the air-mattress that they found in a dumpster behind K-Mart?

B: The economy has reduced them to the point where they are planning on literally eating one another.

C: One of them has decided to "go green" and the other...isn't as gung ho?


The answer?

If you picked C then you are far more optimistic about the future than most of us.



5. Fan-Boys

The problem with fan-boys is that they refuse to let go of the things that they lovingly watched as children, and expect those things to grow up with them. This results in things like this:

Drink it in. Yes that is skeletor lounging naked on a bear skin rug. Personally I draw the line at Simpsons porn (no link) or Ninja Turtles Porn (go to hell).

Then again I have always wondered what Rosie from the Jetsons looked like naked.

UPDATE: Far too many people have informed me that it is not a Bear-Skin rug but a Tiger-Skin rug. The tiger being He-Man's steed...this is what I get for not going to Father McNutley's room for after-school he-man parties.

Wyclef Jean

Yesterday the Smoking Gun reported that Wyclef Jean is a no good bastard who is taking money from his own Help Haiti charity. Well today they must have egg on their face...if they are really sloppy eaters. Also Wyclef Jean is still a D-Nozzle.

"Haitian-born rapper Wyclef Jean spoke out Saturday in defense of his foundation after charity screening groups raised concerns about its accounting practices."

Okay. Here we go. Get ready for some REBUTTAL:

"It is impossible for me to even comprehend the recent attacks on my character and the integrity of my foundation," he said in a statement. "The fact that these attacks come as we are mobilized to meet the greatest human tragedy in the history of Haiti only serves to perplex me even further."

Right, why would anyone pick now, when EVERYONE is donating money to help Haiti, to start scrutinizing the practices of charities that are supposed to help Haiti? Could it be that people are worried that their money might not going to where the charities claim it is going, and instead might be going into the pockets of a has-been musician from the 90's?

People this is no time for squabbling! Just give your money to anyone who claims they are going to help, whether they are under investigation for shoddy business practices or not!

If you need me I'll be donating money to the Michael Bolton Victims of Male Pattern Baldness charity.

Update: Tiger Woods comes out of Sex Rehab to donate to Wyclef

Spousal Abuse

"A Greenfield woman accused of stabbing her husband allegedly did so after the two argued about tacos, prosecutors said."

She dumped soda on his tacos, ran upstairs, he started doing the dishes. Then she came downstairs and stabbed him in the heart. Now the details on this are sketchy, and personally I've never been brought to such a rage over Tex-Mex, so we'll have to wait until her Lifetime Movie comes out.

Not Without My Taco: The Emma Jaime Story

The story of a woman driven to insanity by a man's refusal to admit his taco shell wasn't as soggy as hers. With fear in her heart and a pulse beating to the rythym of a song of freedom, she stabbed him in the chest while he did her dishes. Starring Doris Roberts as the taco.

Also she's a corrections officer which will make her real popular in prison...let's just say she'll probably have to eat lots of really bad tacos.

New York

Where the walk/don't walk signs are showing both pictures at the same time.

If only there were an easier way to tell if you could cross the street or not...for instance looking to see if there were cars coming. Naw.

This will inevitably lead to a lawsuit though
"Sir why did you walk out into the traffic without looking?"
"Duh sign der told me ta!!!"









Male Pattern Baldness:

Prince William is going bald!!!

Really considering all of the other hereditary defects swimming in his gene pool due to centuries of cousin lovin, it could be worse.

Also I mean his dad hooked up with Dianna who, if he had been anyone else but The Prince of England (or The Prince of Roofies), would have been way out his league, I don't think he needs to concerned about a little hair loss.






Gratuitous Spending

The leg of Iberico ham, which costs £1,800, went on sale at the food hall in the retailer's flagship store in Oxford Street, central London.

For most of us this kind of meat is unatainable. And even if we saved up enough money we probably wouldn't even eat it so much as just buy and look at it lovingly.

In my experience with buying old booze etc it's rarely worth the price you pay. 30 year old scotch sounds great, but honestly just tastes like dust and apple vomit.

1. Snow

Because everyone is snowed in, economists are predicting a baby boom in England. Apparently due to power-failures people are having to "snog-up" to keep warm. How romantic?

"Daddy, where do babies come from?"

"Well sweety occasionally it will snow so bad that we can't leave the house. On top of that occasionally there will be a random power outage. When that happens a woman and man will choke down their utter revulsion of each other and decide that creating kinetic energy with hip-thrusts is preferable to not letting their blood turn to ice or, in your mother's case, even thicker ice."






















2. Cancer

"Researchers at the German Cancer Research Centre in Heidelberg have discovered that beer contains a powerful molecule that helps protect against breast and prostate cancers."

GOD BLESS THE GERMANS!!! Not just for finding a new potential cure for cancer, but one that directly affects cancer of the erotic zones. I was just trying to think of a simile to this, a simplified method of trying to explain how cool this is with a more basic example but...THIS IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT DRINKING BEER CURES PROSTATE AND BREAST CANCER! How do I make it any better?





















3.Hollywood

Cory Worthington has landed himself a role in a Hollywood film. Yep THAT Cory Worthington...the one you know as the guy who...wait who the Jesus-casserole is Cory Worthington?

Apparently he's some kid who threw a party in Australia in 2008, and invited people through craigslist. The party drew 500 people and the cops....and the fact that I told you that should exclude Cory Worthington from the list of people who are famous enough to be in a movie simply because they are famous! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

But supposedly the movie also stars Scott Baio so I guess they needed some added star-power. A real "name". Like Cory Worthington.
















4. Florida

" A convicted sex offender known for posting strange videos online is heading back to prison. Edward Muscare, 77, posted bizarre videos to the website YouTube."

Now normally I wouldn't be defending a sex-offender. The karmic stink of sexual assault can't be just washed off with time served as far as I'm concerned...however...well...just watch this:

Creepy yes, but offensive? Hardly.

Part of what makes the internet great is it's ability to give us a view into the daily lives of regular people. Wait. I take that back. That's what sucks about the internet, regular people are boring. The great thing about the internet is that it's a free ticket to a god damned FREAK SHOW.

Not to mention the fact that REALLY does this guy need to be locked up to protect us from him? Look at him! He's like Abe Vigoda as Frankenstein's Monster! He's like a walking Amber Alert! Hellen Keller would run from this freak! We're fine with him on the outside.


















5. Wyclef Jean

The Haiti earthquake has already triggered hundreds of thousands of donations to musician Wyclef Jean's charitable foundation, which expects to raise upwards of $1 million a day in the disaster's wake. HOWEVER, Internal Revenue Service records show the group has a lackluster history of accounting for its finances, and that the organization has paid the performer and his business partner at least $410,000 for rent, production services, and Jean's appearance at a benefit concert.

How the hell do you set up a charity, and use it to pay YOURSELF for performing. Unless the Wyclef Jean Foundation's mission statement is to do their best to help fading musicians from the 1990s.

More salient point. Given all of the different charities pouring money into Haiti right now why would anyone think: "I'll give it to the washed-up hack who is best known for looking like a member of the black eyed peas."

1. Animal Abuse






A cat in Philadelphia was wrapped in duct-tape and left for dead. That's just cruel, I mean to do something like that to a cat AND leave it in Philadelphia (buh dooomsk!)? Certainly not the cruelest thing ever done to a cat in Philly though:


2. Hookers








A guy in Arizona went on craigslist looking for love, specifically the kind of love that can only be delivered for 45 dollars an hour by a woman named Lavender in a hotel with the same name. He went to the hotel where the young lady of the night was staying and while he and the 17 year old were haggling (literally over the price) her accomplice burst out of the bathroom and robbed him. Probably not what he wanted to happen, but it could be worse he could have woken up today with a bad case of the "OH JESUS OW MY PEE!!!!"s

From the comments section on the story: "sizzlechest 6 seconds ago

A sexual encounter he wanted, screwed he got...."

Yes, Yoda must go by the name Sizzlechest now.

3. Endangered Species









An England Naturalist says that it's time to let Giant Pandas go extinct because it's just too damn hard and expensive to keep them alive. So it seems that Giant Panda's are now like the elderly coma patient of our world. We all know it will never happen, if the Dodo's had a CGI flick made about them those suckers would still be alive and feasting on our young.

4. The Economy







The Las Vegas CityCenter had openings for 12,000 jobs. So it seems like it would be easy to be hired there right? NOPE they got 160,000 applications. You wanna get off my back for not having a job yet?

5. Living in Australia
At around 28 seconds everything goes from Tang to Devil's Soul:

1. Coaches
A sad story from Kentucky of a kid who was killed during football practice. His coach ordered him to run sprints on a boiling hot day and he died of heat exhaustion. The coach was tried and acquitted and now wants to know when he can coach again. It's like if OJ's first question after his acquittal was "When is it okay for me to date again?"









2. Rudeness
A new poll shows that Americans are becoming more and more rude. I guess conservatives are right, we are becoming more and more like Europe.



3. Girls

The girls at a school in New Jersey every year make a list of the sluttiest sluts in their sluttin high school, and pass it around 100's of times. Amazing for several reasons; one they actually use paper instead of texts and two THEY ARE PROUD TO BE ON THE LIST! Ladies the reason you win the human race is in you have the power to deny men sex. Embracing the concept of being a slut is like Napoleon abdicating his throne...if it were made out of vaginas.








4. Childbirth
A woman in Toledo had in vitro fertilization. She got pregnant. It's not hers?
Turns out the embryos belonged to another woman. So once Carolyn Savage gives birth she has to give the baby over to its biological parents. I'm sure a HUGE settlement is coming their way, A small price for splitting yourself open, removing a small human, and having to then give it to a complete stranger. On a sidenote anyone who thinks childbirth is beautiful has never seen it from the business end.







5. News Reporters

Most boring news report quickly becomes the most unprofessional. Yes it's kind of funny, but physical comedy is for the proles.

1. Mom's Boyfriend

The phrase "stay together for the kids..." should have the addendum "...so that mom doesn't get so desperate for companionship that she will date any sack of douche that gimps into her field of vision." Like this guy:














Handsome isn't he? I mean that pencil mustache is either the result of WANTING to look like a pedophile, or it's the outline from where he holds his glue-huffing bag.

Anyway he left the kids in the garage, tied to their car-seats while he went to a bar. Because I guess drinking at home, in front of the kids, would be irresponsible.


2: The Economy



Diabetics who get laid off and lose their health insurance are having to resort to cutting back on their medication and/or buying medication on EBAY. Call me naive buy I didn't even know you could buy medical supplies on EBAY.






3. Domestic Violence

In the movies cross-dressers aren't crazy, they are free spirited people who just happen to live eccentric lifestyles. I'm not saying that transvestites are bad people, but I've always had my concerns around them. Mostly I always assumed that fruit-bowling for hours at a time is bound to make someone a bit agitated. Anyway...here's a story about a girl coming home to find her mother murdered on the floor, by her cross-dressing father.
FUGSHOT:









4. POLKA-RAP
Rap is like the potato of the music world. IT GOES GREAT WITH EVERYTHING! I'm just waiting for the East Bavarian West Bavarian drive bys to start.


5. Death
If it's been 20 years since you cried over the death of Jim Henson, get the tissues out: